Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Hooters Rhymes with Computers

If you are going to buy a book about breastfeeding, let it be this one:

Because if you are having trouble nursing -- with the latch, the pain, the supply -- call a lactation consultant.

Do not buy a book about nursing technique. That’s like buying a book about what mango tastes like. Or "going" to a wedding by watching it on a flat-screen TV.

Do not go to a "support" group that will shame you if you decide to stop nursing before the baby turns four.

And for the love of all that is holy, do NOT ask for advice in a Facebook group. I don’t belong to any of these myself, but according to this article, "The Ten Most Sanctimommy Posts Ever," some of those women are nuts. And mean. But mostly CRAY.

Just buy this book. So you know you are not alone.

I am not going to carry on about how hostile we, as a society, are to new mothers. But here is a preview. Nursing in public? Shame on you! Want a maternity leave that is more than six weeks or, God forbid, paid? Don't be absurd.

As a result, we are forced to do things we never dreamed we would. Like nurse on a crowded city bus (check) or pump on the floor of a conference room corner (check). What, you didn't imagine yourself on a bench, covering your naked breast with a dirty burp rag whilst studying long ago for that organic chemistry midterm exam? Silly, silly you.

Nursing can be a lovely, intimate bonding experience. But far from being intuitive, learning to breastfeed is difficult, painful and humbling. And pumping is an activity straight out of Dante's Inferno. You even get to wear this contraption:

Simple Wishes Hands-Free Breast Pump Bra.

"When you want to at least be able to wipe your other child's butt while pumping."*

Best to have a sense of humor about the whole thing.

Lauren Belden did, and I am so glad. In a play on Dr. Seuss's Oh! The Places You'll Go! -- the college graduation gift staple -- The Places You'll Feed! honestly (and hilariously) explores the breastfeeding mother's travails. 

See, feeding your babe,
well, it's not always pretty,
when you whip out a boob
in a cab in the city.

My favorite page, as you can tell from the title of this post, is about the ridiculous places we pump at work (dark closet anyone?):

And many an office
just won't have a spot
that's not crowded 
or freezing
or dreadfully hot
or spooky
or kooky
or full of computers
to hook up your pump
and squeeze milk from your hooters.


It all makes sense now.

* Just kidding. That's not their tag line. But I did recently wipe Henry's butt with one hand while holding the baby to my breast with the other. YES. THAT HAPPENED.

Disclosure: I received a review copy. Opinions are my own, as always.

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