Friday, March 13, 2015

Five Awesome Lessons I Have Taught My Toddler

After all my hand-wringing related to the last post, you would think that my darling son's worst exposure comes from the playground, soft or otherwise. You would be wrong. I have increasingly come to accept that all my child's bad habits come from me. Behold some choice lessons I have taught him over the last three years.

5 Awesome Lessons I Have Taught My Toddler

Lesson #1 - Cry to Get What You Want

[This conversation was relayed to me second-hand by his preschool teacher. Henry has been having issues...ahem...listening in class.]

Henry: When I don't cooperate with Mommy, she cries.
Teacher: Well you should listen to Mommy then, so you don't make her feel bad, right?
Henry: No.
Teacher: Why not?
Henry: Well, when someone doesn't cooperate with me, then I'll cry.

Lesson #2 - Curse Words Are Valid Forms of Expression

Henry last fall: Daddy, Mommy yelled fox when she couldn't park the car.

Henry every day since when aggravated: FOX! FOXES! FOX!*

Lesson #3 - How to Hide an Eating Disorder

A common conversation with my lactose-intolerant son:
Henry: I want that cheese.
Me: You can't have cheese, it will make you sick.
Henry: I want those cookies.
Me: You can't have those, they have milk, and that will make you sick.
Henry: But I want them.
Me: They will make you sick. Let's get something else.

Me: Eat your dinner.
Henry: No, it has milk in it.
Me: No it doesn't. Finish your sweet potatoes. You love sweet potatoes.
Henry: No, it has milk in it.
Me: There's no milk.
Henry: Yes, it will make me sick.

Lesson #4 - Mommy Looks Disheveled; Anything Else Is Unacceptable

Henry: Mommy, what's on your eyes?
Me: Makeup.
Henry: Mommy, why are your eyes blue and black?
Me: Because I put on makeup so I could be fancy for dinner with Daddy. Do you like it?
Henry: No. Take it off.
Me: Okay, I will tonight. Give me a kiss goodbye.
Henry: No. You have black eyes.

Lesson #5 - Use the Horn, Always and Liberally

Me in the car, stuck behind a bus, muttering under my breath: What's going on here, bus?
Henry: What did you say, Mommy?
Me: [silence]
Henry, persisting: What happened with the bus?
Me: The bus is stopped here, and I can't figure out how to get around.
Henry: Beep the horn!

* He also occasionally mutters "balls," and I know that's not from me. Ahem, hubby.

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