Monday, January 12, 2015

Deconstructing Toddler Literature

I didn't want my first post back to be a bitchfest, but we are potty training. Potty Training. I just love reading all of Henry's favorites while sitting on the edge of a cold, hard, ceramic tub.

"Again!" he orders.

You already know how I feel about that damn one-eyed Pigeon who loves things that Go. Below is my synopsis of some other toddler lit that you hopefully will never have to read.

Curious George. A selfish poacher steals an innocent monkey from the jungle and puts him in an American zoo. The monkey has other ideas.

The Poky Little Puppy. Five cute and curious puppies learn about sloth, revenge and deception. Then they teach these wonderful lessons to my toddler.


Horton Hears A Who. Monkeys and kangaroos beat and detain an elephant for his beliefs.


10 Little Rubber Ducks. Low-wage workers in the developing world make cheap plastic shit my kid will play with for two minutes before discarding. Too bad a white captain loses the box in a storm on the sea.

Harold and the Purple Crayon. Drawing on the walls is okay as long as you go to bed afterwards without a fuss.

The Three Little Pigs. Three Depression-era pigs scare my toddler into being a hard worker.