Thursday, July 18, 2013

That Awkward Moment When Your Toddler Discovers Your Body

My 19-month-old son has discovered his body. Unfortunately, he has also discovered mine.


I noticed it a few weeks ago when he unceremoniously threw open the bathroom door while I was showering. He opened the curtain and squealed with excitement.

Yay! Moo Cow! I found you, my Moo Cow!

All of a sudden, he went quiet as his eyes slowly drifted downward, then back up to my face, then down again.

What's that, Moo Cow? I could see him asking.

It's all been downhill since then.


A few days ago, he barged into the bathroom (are you sensing a trend here?) while I was on the toilet wearing a only sports bra on top. (Ambitious, I know. Why wear a sports bra if you no longer practice sports?) He smiled and grabbed -- gently and with great interest -- my belly's already generous rolls of fat, which were accentuated by my seated position.

He giggled.

Moo Cow is squishy.

He poked another roll with his index finger. More giggling.

"That's Mommy's belly," I said, trying not to make too big of a deal. Henry smiled.

Squishy Moo Cow.

Yesterday, however, was the pinnacle. I was about to step into the shower after working out sweating by merely existing in my overheated top-floor loft apartment when Henry... that's right, ran into the bathroom crying and making the sign for milk. (You're getting good at this.)

"You want milk, buddy?" I asked.

"Ya," he replied.

"Okay, but Mommy needs to take a shower now."

As it sunk in that milk was not to be immediately forthcoming, my sweet child ran wailing over to the refrigerator -- which one can see from the bathroom when one lives in a shoebox -- and flung himself against the door in typical dramatic fashion.

"Fine," I sighed, because I didn't want to have to listen to him wail while I took a shower. Although you might have been under the impression, from this haiku I recently wrote, that I had completely given up hope of ever taking a relaxing shower again, I'm here to tell you that, against all odds, true love never dies. And I love me a relaxing shower.

If I just get him the milk, I thought, perhaps he will let me shower in peace.

I turned off the water and went into the kitchen, got milk and a sippy cup and put it all on the counter. My back was to him. So he did the most obvious thing in the world.

He patted my naked butt and laughed with glee as it jiggled. Then he patted the other cheek and laughed even harder.

When I recounted this story to Rayne at dinner last night, he began to cackle uncontrollably.

"I'm sorry," he gasped, eyes watering, as he tried to get a hold of himself.

And there you have it. The only family member who respects me is stumpy-legged Hudson, who will never get high enough off the ground to be able to laugh at my butt. The End.

I love you, Mom, fat jiggly bum and all.

Photo courtesy of koratmember