Thursday, January 3, 2013

Guest Post: Dear Bloomberg Help Desk

[Ed. note: This post is by Hudson, my neurotic Corgi. The Bloomberg Terminal is a computer system used by finance professionals. Its Help Desk (which can be activated by selecting "Help" twice on the terminal's keyboard) has become singularly unhelpful when troubleshooting. 

The post is best read in the voice of Dug the Dog from the 2009 animated motion picture Up. Here, watch this short YouTube clip that introduces Dug. I'll wait. 




Okay, done? Good. Here we go.]


Dear Bloomberg Help Desk,

Help. Help. Over the past year, I have tried all your suggestions for getting rid of a baby:

Refusing to look at the baby

Asking Mom to send the baby back (with my eyes)

Eating the baby's spoon

Eating the baby's toys

Eating the baby's food (seems to be the only perk)

Moping

Trying to leave him with the other cousins

Barking and growling at the baby 
(NB: REALLY BAD ADVICE! Take that off your list, Bloomberg Help Desk. It is not help-ful.)



None of these strategies has succeeded. Bloomberg Help Desk, I am desprate desperite despearate losing my puppy mind. Just look at what I have to put up with:

High-pitched screams

Baby in my face night and day

Being a prop for blog photos

The baby's scary walking contraption

Hudsy Jail 

Tired Mom who doesn't want to play with me anymore :(


I have heard talk of endless fetch when the baby is older. But since my attention span is only 45 seconds long, it is hard for me to hope that far in the future.

Please advise (again) on how to get rid of a baby.

Sincerely,

Hudson CG


PS - Tonight the baby alternated between banging her phone and poking her belly button. I would never get away with that.

PPS - Not neurotic. Why does she always say that?

[Ed. note: Yes, he is.]



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