Wednesday, October 24, 2012

How to Feed Your Melon

My sister sent me this hilarious link to a post going around the UK "mummy" blog circuit. It's a series of "tests" to take to decide if you are ready to be a parent.

Rayne, my sister, her husband and I all had different favorites, depending, I suppose, on which level of Dante's Baby Inferno we were on that particular day. Mine was Test 9: Feeding a 1-year-old.
1. Hollow out a melon
2. Make a small hole in the side
3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side
4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.
Test 9 resonated, because feeding Henry has become, shall we say, a challenge.

Whatchu lookin' at, Moo Cow?
Ladies and gentlemen, I am proud to announce here on my blog that I have a solution.

At first I thought we simply needed a table big enough to prevent my darling child from throwing everything on the floor. Rayne came up with a better idea. The table should be slanted, like a cone of baby-eating hell, so that whatever said baby throws just rolls down the walls back to him. Spoons, food, puffs, this toy that he is obsessed with yet keeps throwing overboard:

"The animals have something to say!"
Here, let me show you what I think the whole contraption should look like. Please note that this diagram represents a cross-section of the table; in reality, the cone would surround the child.
In order to feed your child, you'd simply roll food down into the cone, and let him eat it, smash it between his fingers, smear it in his hair, throw it and so on. No swinging melon with which to contend. No mess on the floor. No bending over again and again and again and again to pick up his spoon.

Problem solved.

I think this idea is genius and don't know why it has yet to be invented. So far the only dissenter has been Hudson, who has taken quite a liking to Happy Baby puffs.

Please oh please don't take away the puffs!