Wednesday, July 25, 2012

The Mommy Decathlon

In honor of the 2012 Olympic Games, I'd like to propose a new category of competitive trials called The Mommy Decathlon.

Points are awarded for time, execution, tenacity and grace. Points are deducted for tears, curse words and black-and-blues obtained by any team member. You will be judged in the following ten categories:
  1. Get on and off the 2nd Avenue Express bus during rush hour with a two month old baby in a carseat and a Snap-n-Go stroller. Extra points for not breaking anyone's feet.
  2. Walk up and down the stairs of a subway station carrying a stroller and infant until someone offers to help you.
  3. Go through subway turnstiles with an umbrella stroller, diaper bag and baby.
  4. Climb to the top of a fourth floor walk-up with a regular stroller, baby, dog and groceries.
  5. Take an uninterrupted shower, cleaning all parts of your body, face and hair.
  6. Jog three miles with a jogging stroller and a screaming banchee of any sort.
  7. Bathe an infant without getting soaked, drowning said infant or divorcing your partner.
  8. Change a diaper on your lap while sitting on a toilet bowl in a small, dirty public bathroom.
  9. Tie a baby into a Moby wrap without dropping him or her on the floor. 
  10. Hold a baby for an hour without getting spit-up, drool, poop, pee or throw-up on your clothing.
Smile pretty for your Finisher's Photo!